I walked home from the subway today and felt a breeze, which means we have officially entered mid-August. Don’t worry, I’m still sweaty but I’ll take what I can get.
I’ve been back in New York for a full year since going home to California because of the pandemic, and I have found every day since to be life changing–in the sense that things might be the same but they’re also always different and I’m the same but I’m also very different and the past and present and future are all happening at once. If you know what I mean…
I’d say I’ve adjusted pretty well despite having to wear masks in the classroom, take my cat on several airplanes, and being flashed a penis on the street. But, as long as I keep adapting, things will keep changing, and it looks like my next turn leads to my senior year of college.
It is so fucked up that the second you get a hang of things, it means another leap must be taken into vast unknown. Looking back on my senior year of high school, what made it so amazing was that once you had gotten into college, there was nothing else to focus on but the current moment–the moment where you knew everyone and everything, or at least everything that your hometown had to offer.
Senior year of college is not like that or at least I don’t think it will be. From here things only get bigger, questions have more than one answer, and while your to-do list never ends–neither does your bucket list. In fact, my boyfriend’s best friend has a ‘Surabhi turned 21’ bucket list so whether I like it or not, the universe has plans in store for me.
Manhattan is only 13.4 miles long and 2.3 miles wide but I will never know all that is hiding within it nor the gems that appear in plain sight. That and, now I live in Brooklyn.
Moving here I loved the idea of living somewhere new because I knew that meant that in time, that place would cease to be as scary and unfamiliar as it once was. I guess that applies to any risk you take.
In some ways this is true about New York; I take pride in helping my friends that visit navigate the subway system knowing how confusing it once seemed to know which way was Downtown and which way was Uptown. However, that doesn’t stop me from always being late and getting lost in my own neighborhood.
There are some things that preparation can’t prevent, whether that be the stalling of trains or the anxiety of a soon to be college graduate.
With more freedom comes more choices and while I am wildly indecisive, I know that making choices often leads to clarity–choosing bad friends or lovers or dishes at a restaurant now, will hopefully pay off later.
While the future can be daunting when I think of it as a series of events that are in my control, making demands of me right now and forever, it’s comforting and freeing to think of it as a life I already know. One that is awaiting my presence just as a past life informs this one–making it perpetually unfinished.
I have never known exactly what I wanted or how to get there and I have always been bad at working towards an arbitrary future goal when enough is going on right in front of me. My mom says that opportunities just happen to me–instead of prying the door open, the door presents itself and I just have to hope I can sense the draft.
That awareness is developed in every stage in between. Nights I spend questioning whether or not I’m doing the right thing or being the right person result in the right opportunities and people presenting themselves as if they were meant to be there all along.
Periods of transition are often difficult and while my sweat will soon dry down, the stickiness and filth left on my skin from the crowded streets, concerts, and bars of New York will take an extra shower or two to cleanse myself of before I head back into the classroom. It’s a good thing the shower is the perfect place to cry– no matter what for, no one will ever know.
Currently Watching:
- Never Have I Ever (season 3)
Currently Reading
- Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie
