surabhi raj

Mr. Karan Johar makes a comeback for season seven of Koffee with Karan with my favorite Bollywood actors and perhaps my least favorite opening monologue: 

“The last time we met, 3 years back, we were obsessed; obsessed with airport looks, catfights, and the love lives of movie stars. Then, there was sadly the pandemic :(, which brought with it loss, fear, and uncertainty and so much was recalibrated within us. In 2022, we are now kinder, gentler, better people–still obsessed with airport looks, catfights, and the love lives of movie stars.”

He’s not wrong and after all, Karan Johar is the trusted source of gossip–not political takes, so maybe I should cut him some slack. However, this episode of Koffee with Karan is relatively gossip free. Given that the two stars are happily married and unquestionably successful, the most interesting thing for them to talk about is themselves. 

I’m sure you’ve all seen their wedding photos, even my non-Indian friends who I’ve shoved my Instagram feed in front of before screaming. Alia Bhatt recently got married to Ranbir Kapoor–the two most beloved nepotism babies of their generation and seeing their wedding photos made me, at the ripe age of twenty, want to get married.

Ranveer Singh and Deepika Padukone have been married for a few years now but I still look forward to every comment they make on each other’s beautiful, gorgeous, stunning Instagram photos. 

Most other episodes of Koffee with Karan have often felt like an insider inappropriately prying into the personal lives of the actors in front of him–as if he doesn’t already know everything about them; this episode felt more like three friends hanging out and telling stories. In other words, it was like an elevated podcast. Elevated because I got to look at attractive Indian people–one of my favorite pastimes. 

Bollywood is similar to Hollywood in regards to nepotism but can be very different when it comes to parasocial relationships. Shah Rukh Khan famously has at least 10,000 fans waiting outside his house every single day with a fervor that I have rarely seen people feel for their own Gods. 

I have never seen a post from a Bollywood star on social media and thought, “Wow, we are so alike! I bet we’d be best friends in real life,” the way I might react to Olivia Rodrigo’s latest photo dump. That’s because Bollywood actors are not at all regular people; they are godlike, larger than life, and they make you wonder, “What if we had worshiped the theater kids in high school?”

Alia Bhatt dishes the details of assimilating into the Kapoor family–from the huge family parties and pujas to coming together and grieving at times of loss. She noted how when Rishi Kapoor was being treated for cancer in New York, he would facetime into pujas; when her and Ranbir got married, he paid attention to the pundit’s every word. Meanwhile, Ranveer sat on the other end of the couch visibly and genuinely reacting as a sakhi would, to every story she tells. 

Maybe marrying into the Kapoor family isn’t relatable but having an email address as embarrassing as punkbabe_21 is. Or maybe, like Alia, you’re obsessed with watching cooking reels on Instagram. Or for some of you, having multiple sex playlists for different occasions like Mr. Singh is something you can relate to. To each their own.

The two actors bond over being sensitive yet lighthearted water signs and for the first time in my long history of obsessing over Bollywood actors, I am finally part of the conversation. I want to scream at the television, “I’m a Pisces Moon!!!!” 

I may never be as rich, beautiful, or talented as Ranveer and Alia but I too fantasize about touching elbows with my crush–my crush of course also being Ranbir Kapoor. 

Years ago, I was rewatching Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani for the third time out of now eight when my Dad walked into the room. He looked at me, then the TV, and back at me, then said, “He’s cute isn’t he?” So my crush is not only shared with Mrs. Bhatt-Kapoor, all of India, and the diaspora, but also my father. 

All of this to say, actors close the distance between us and them when they do their job well on the big screen. They make you feel with them and for them and make you hope for life to hold just as much magic off the screen. In cases like this interview, they are less of actors and more of humans, and when they do that job well, they accomplish the same things.

Currently Listening:

• Mr.Percocet by Noah Cyrus
• Saint Honesty by Sara Bareilles
• The Only Reason – Live by 5SOS
• Duaa from Shanghai

Currently Reading:

• High Fidelity by Nick Hornby