California has gone from the only place I’ve ever known to a place I only reside in for about a month of the year. Coming home now serves as a reliving of my adolescence, but a version of it where I actually make good decisions.
Some people look back on their childhood and feel like it was everything they could’ve wanted–thankful that it also led to their current reality which is just as good despite being completely different. Some people wait, both patiently and desperately, to turn 18 and gain the kind of autonomy and control their hometown could not give them.
I am very content with the way I grew up and although I wouldn’t actually change anything about it for fear that I might not be exactly who I am right now–I do feel that I would have been better off had some things gone differently.
This post is NOT about that. If you would like to know about my trauma, you CAN’T.
This post is about what I’ve done for the past two weeks in Unknown Suburb, Bay Area, California.
- My best friend Riya turned 21. I painted an I <3 MOM mug at Color Me Mine and she painted lemons on her mug. When we get the mugs back from the kiln, I’ll update this post with pictures.
- My mom threw me an almost 21 birthday party where I drank almost ZERO alcohol because
- I got my wisdom teeth out on July 21st. I would insert a picture of my teeth if I could but they did not give them back to me 🙁
- I went to the doctor for my yearly physical where she told me that getting migraines on my period is NORMAL and my long COVID will go away with time. My aunt used to call me a DQ (Drama Queen) when I was younger but even so, I call BS.
- I got bloodwork done after my physical and the results told me I am just like other girls–I have low iron. I also have borderline high cholesterol but it’s because I have high good cholesterol? Not fat but phat.
- I practiced riding my bike.
- I somehow acquired not one internship but two which lands me at a total of three at the moment. Despite all my complaints about not wanting to work a day in my life, you will now catch me truly working.
- I ate my favorite foods: Aapam & Egg Curry, Thayir Sadham, Beetroot Biryani, Puri & Aloo, Dosa & Molagapodi, the 49er roll from my favorite sushi place, Dahi Sev Puri Chaat, Drunken Noodles & Panang Curry, Masala Chai & Filter Coffee, Spiced Buttermilk, Mango & Coconut Cake, and India’s Magic Masala.
- I went to San Francisco and spent time with my family.
- My mom found me this dress (!!!!!) at Anthropologie and bought me $140 pants.
- I took lots of walks and lots of naps.
- There are lots of people from my hometown who I do not particularly like…I saw the ones that I do.
- I went to Safeway to pick up a prescription and saw an Indian aunty look at me a little too hard.
- I was told that I lost weight since the last time I was here. The question remains, who asked?
- I talked shit.
- Riya and I watched a Bollywood movie about gay people and cried.
- It took me more than 7 seconds to open a water bottle and I almost cried.
I spent a lot of my time growing up here hanging out with people who aren’t mentioned above because they now trigger my PTSD. My favorite foods list, to my younger self, would look like a list of food that though I liked, I mostly tolerated.
Coming home can’t help but mean grieving. Grieving the different versions of myself, grieving the people that made me those versions of myself, grieving the things I liked about living here that will never quite be the same and grieving the things I hated about living here. Grieving the fact that coming home means spending meaningful time with my mom while the version of me that spent time with my dad was constantly void of and searching for meaning.
California is a change of pace and scenery– a comfort away from the chaos of New York City. However, familiarity is not always a good thing and it takes more strength than you might think to abandon. Moving across the country can reveal which habits of comfort are really serving you. It has taught me how to find the relaxed warmth of California in a city like New York and how to do the same in a place like home–where the easy choices are so easy, you can forget they should also be rewarding.
Coming home is now about loving my mom, loving my friends, and loving my friends’ moms.
Currently Listening:
- Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa by FINNEAS
- Mercury by Steve Lacy
- Ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine
- Traitor by Olivia Rodrigo
Currently Watching:
- Black Bird (Apple TV)
- I also watched Inception this week…
