surabhi raj

Within the first 30 minutes of Knocked Up (2007), Ben (Seth Rogen) and his friends discuss a website they’ve developed that tells you the timestamps from movies in which women’s boobs are shown. Soon after that scene, I did have to stop watching the movie. I knew there was no other way this movie would go but Ben eventually redeeming himself as a person, and I was not interested in that. If you have not just visited a website where the timestamps of seeing actresses’ boobs are available to you, but you have created the website…you’re not worth redemption to me personally.

In the past year or two, I’ve become quite intolerant regarding the portrayal of women’s suffering and oppression in entertainment media broadly. Apart from the conflicts and obstacles of a woman’s inner life and coming of age (any age), I’m not very interested in watching women suffer at the hands of Patriarchy. I am interested in her own investigation of her societal standing but I do not need to be shown what standing she is born into– I am all too familiar with it. Familiarity with our oppression often causes an underestimation of its tools rather than recognition of how horrific it is. This is especially true now that those tools are less concerned with legal bearings of humanity (except now they are… overturning Roe v Wade) and more so with the subtleties they show up as in our daily lives. In deciding that I wasn’t interested in consuming media that mindlessly displays violence against women, its extremely frequent presence is now glaringly obvious.

As an AMC A List member and the girlfriend of a man who was randomly chosen to be part of SAG’s nominating committee, I recently watched this year’s winner of the Palme d’Or at Cannes, Anora. The film follows Ani (Mikey Madison), a Brooklyn born sex worker, as she encounters and marries Ivan (Mark Eydelshteyn), the frenetic & eccentric son of a Russian oligarch. I came out of Anora struck by how despite endless judgment made by society at large about being a sex worker as well as the careless with which Ani is treated at the hands of Ivan, she presents herself freely throughout conflict, without regard for the potential and likely violence that is always a threat to her existence as a woman and even more so as a sex worker with a client who is unwieldy with his power.

When the men who work for Ivan’s family come to retrieve him upon finding out about their elopement, they end up having to hold Ani hostage– Ivan, who becomes a clearer picture of his childish and predictable impulse driven ways, has already abandoned her to escape his imminent orders to go back to Russia. During this entire encounter, Ani is in her underwear and a t-shirt. It does not seem to occur to her to put pants on until she has to leave the house–it would be my first instinct to put on pants though at least her underwear were closer to boyshorts than a thong. When the men say she must stay with them in the house as they try to retrieve Ivan, she attempts to escape and violently attacks her captors without fear of repercussions. Fortunately, they don’t punish her apart from physically restraining her–first by tying her hands up, an act which they sweetly & surprisingly consider a last resort, and eventually by gagging her as a result of incessant screaming.

These men are at first glance, goons, but we quickly realize the traditional machismo and aggression expected of men who work to accomplish the dirty work of the wealthy is not present in these characters. Probably because more than anything, they’re glorified babysitters for Ivan. One of them can fight, the others are questionable in skill, but the moments when they choose to use violence are telling. When dealing with Ani, there is no attempt to assert power over her through sexual means– there is even an absence of non sexual violence, all seemingly unjustified action to take due to the fact that she is a woman.

It’s not that they are void of misogyny, her profession and status have brought shame to Ivan’s family. However, trapped in a situation where a dumb young boy has treated her life carelessly for his own entertainment, she is still afforded respect. Respect is not something that I expect from men even when I am on my best behavior. The bold way in which Ani is able to fight for herself, screaming, biting, and lying in order to find freedom, only made my own constant fear more recognizable.

Just a few weeks ago, a man sitting across from me on the train told me that I looked like I was not having a good time, or some variation of that sentiment. Here’s where the first choice happens.

Do I take my headphones out to hear what he’s saying and invite his attempt at interaction or keep my headphones in, eyes away, and avoid acknowledging him, in hopes his attempt ends there– knowing the cost could be at worst, violence, and at best, denial of his humanity in an attempt to preserve my own.

I took out my headphones to hear him say I looked sad and then gave him a thumbs up to indicate my happiness. He then told me I had an unforgettable face. One that he would not forget even in death. That maybe it was a bit dramatic to say. And perhaps not even a compliment. But he meant it. I responded with something like a laugh, uncomfortably wanting the encounter to end and not knowing how to safely do so, and put my headphones back on.

He offered me a Coke and then left but terrifyingly, he could’ve done any number of things and I could’ve reacted in any number of ways and the stakes would have, in any scenario, been life or death. Maybe he knew that or maybe he didn’t but either way, as fucked up as it is to be under the threat of violence at all times, it is also fucked up to have to assume that every man you see is not a person but a weapon and you, it’s possible victim, leaving you both ultimately not human. No one gets the privilege of being seen for who they are and everyone is presumed to be their worst possible selves.

That pivotal scene in Anora not only gives Ani full human rights but humanizes her captors as well. They are not just men – perpetrators of violence – but men doing their jobs to tame a stupid little boy as best as they know how. Knowing they were not people who would enact such violence unto women relieved me of projecting my own fears onto Ani. I watched the rest of the movie knowing that I could take these characters as who they were showing me they were, rather than who they might be based on their gender and occupation. I wish I could do that more in real life and frankly, I don’t know how we get there!