On January 18th of this year, I baked banana bread and in the hour it takes in the oven, I left for a Bryant Park stroll. It’s difficult to go on a walk at night in the middle of January in New York without the warmth of freshly baked goods to come home to, or anything else that might give you a similar feeling. A hot shower or a hot chocolate are both good alternatives. On the 24th, I walked to Central Park to romantically read and journal but turned back home after the last line of my entry, “I want to put my glove back on so. Bye!”
Living in Bushwick now, it’s impossible–at least as somewhat of a sane person–to walk to either of those parks. Realistically, there are no good parks to walk to here. There are days when I realize I haven’t left the apartment all day and with no particular craving to walk amongst the buildings, I go up to the roof.
It was there that I first noticed a flock of birds. The birds follow each other, changing directions, glistening as the lighter bottoms of their bodies become visible instead of the dark gray of their tops. They repeat this motion, catching sunlight and wind, every day, for what seems like all day, within the same mile of this city. I don’t know much about birds but I figure they like where they are, they have what they need, and their flock protects them. I find their behavior strange yet beautiful, so I hope I don’t stop seeing them as I will have to forever wonder where they went. It is winter and they are still here, so I doubt anything could drive them away now. However, I will leave for California for a couple weeks next month. I am not so resilient.
I’m better equipped this year with a new jacket (superpuff), boots (doc martens), and several pairs of pants. If you dress for the cold, you will be warm. Not everything has to be merely tolerated, some things can be prepared for and handled with as much grace as is possible when wearing several layers. Mobility has never been my strength but the world keeps spinning and the years keep passing and I wonder when a year will go by without moving apartments. I will probably leave the birds before they can leave me. Unless the fireworks on Saturday send them away as we send off the year. How much loss can one take!
In just a few days the holiday season will end, the cold will feel pointless, and I will start to hunger for a change in energy or somewhere new to place mine. The good thing about living in a place with four seasons is that it creates a pent up sort of longing for the next one. In the weeks and months before an inevitable transition, we must exhibit patience. The holidays are not over yet! Not until my family and I watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 tonight and ring in the New Year.
The New Year calls for some of my favorite pastimes: reflecting, cleaning, and celebrating. The night itself is for celebrating. We drink together, we kiss each other, and we reminisce on older times as if those are not the most intimate acts we have. This time around, I will be in the rain, in a crowd, and it is yet to be decided whether I will be filled with hope or existential dread. As with most things, the answer is probably both.
I suppose this year is a big one, with graduating and all but I feel indifferent about it for a few reasons. When you’re Indian American, graduating college is more of an expectation than an accomplishment–most of the stakes lie with where you get into college. Going to NYU, well, it’s not what I would call “real” college– especially not when you’re making your own major– I won’t be moving away to work and I won’t be losing much of a community, I will mainly be losing the classroom education itself, which for most, is not the most significant part of their years at university.
My real world bubble popped when I moved into my Midtown apartment and sat on my mattress box, sweat dripping down every inch of my body, and looked around the space that could be measured lengthwise with about four of my 5 ‘3 body. There will be no drastic changes in my life apart from financial independence, though it could be detrimental, I hope it is instead a sense of freedom.
I know what’s coming, in terms of obvious weighty life changes. My focus is on what else might lie ahead. I wonder what I will think about in my free time and what I will think about when I’m busy. My thoughts remain both predictable and unpredictable, depending on if I can derive any meaning from them. Either way, to my twelve subscribers, you will hear me thinking for at least another year. Count yourself lucky!
From future me: That last sentence proved to be false.
Currently Watching:
- Harry Potter (absurdly out of order)
- The Fabelmans
- (recently finished) White Lotus Season 2
Currently Listening:
- Nobody Gets Me by SZA
- Older by Eliza McLamb
Currently Reading:
- Stay True by Hua Hsu
- (recently finished) The White Album by Joan Didion
